Sunday, 28 February 2016

A Letter From a Rubbish Mum

Dear Blake, 

My beautiful boy with the world at his feet. My first experience of wonderfully terrifying maternal love. You are the blonde haired centre of my universe, the beat of my heart, and yet I find myself needing to apologise to you for not being good enough.

I see my own failure every time I look into those huge, blue eyes; so beautifully innocent and yet so full of an aching betrayal that I put there. We were the best of friends, you and I, but now I feel like my company is the last possible thing that you want. 

If I could have, I would have warned you that things were going to change, but you wouldn't have understood. Instead, I brought a glorious stranger into your life and let our relationship change without any explanation. I expected you to accept her without fuss and, for the most part, you have, but how could I have not seen the effect it had on us? On me and my curly crowned prince.

"It's just his age," people tell me. "The Terrible Twos; they all do it," they say with wry smiles. I play my part; I nod along and try to convince myself that their words are true, but I know better. I know that your outbursts and irrationality are my fault. You're such a small boy in such a big and confusing world and everything is changing. And there, right in the middle of that terrifying chaos, is the one person supposed to help you to make sense of it all. Instead of helping, she's sighing with frustration and arguing back as you try to tell her how frightened and confused you are; your language holding you back and muddying those emotions with anger.

Sometimes I turn away from your raw emotion because it frightens me. I look instead at the beaming face of your new sister because I need to remember how it feels to be loved by someone that I haven't let down yet. I miss having you look at me the way she does. Please never think that I love you less, I just find it difficult to face up to the hurt I see on your face sometimes. 

I'm sorry, Baby Bear. I'm sorry I haven't been dealing with your emotions properly, but I promise to be better. I don't always understand them, but I don't think that you do either. Together, we can work out what it all means and put us back together, with a space for new sisters in our alliance. We will be ok, you and me.

I love you fiercely and I always will.